The night before the exam
the exam is in ten hours
i need to sleep
but the rain is coming down
dancing on the deck above
and the ducks are grooming
against the hull
and my thoughts keep turning
to everything i do not know
to everything i still must do
i close my eyes
relax my body, ease my breathing
and say
don’t think don’t think don’t think
don’t think about the books you did not read
about the engine repairs you must make
about the water always dripping into the bilge
from the drive shaft
always steadily bringing the boat
closer to sinking
until the bilge pump comes on and
puts the water out
don’t think don’t think don’t think
about the polluted water beneath
kept out by less than an inch of fiberglass
about those poems you can hardly remember
about the character names that elude you
about your failures as a writer
as a student
as a son
as a brother
as a partner
as a lover
when she comes back, can you be together
can the past be redeemed
or at least salvaged
or at least kept at bay so it does not
destroy the future
do you have a future, together
don’t think don’t think don’t think
about that overdue paper you still must write
about that book review now six months late
about the classes you must teach next week
about your damn nicotine addiction that
you can’t seem to kick for good
even though you want to, need to,
because otherwise it could kill you
don’t think don’t think don’t think
if only you could not think
how much would your life be improved
how much more at peace might you be
how much more might you have
you could have been happy
long ago
if only you could
not think not think not think
what good has come of your thinking
has anyone benefitted
have even you
what is the worst thing that could happen
tomorrow, or later today,
it is past midnight now,
at your exam
not failure
success
because if you pass
you will continue your life as you have
and who is to say
you are not thinking yourself
to your doom
that is not dramatic
it is honest
you pass your exam,
write your dissertation,
become a professor,
write, teach, write, teach,
repeat until you are dead
inside
and then some more until you are dead
outside
but if you were to fail
perhaps you would be free to become
something else
something better
perhaps
perhaps not
you don’t know, you can’t know
so for now just stop
listen to the rain and
don’t think don’t think don’t think
about