Algorithm-in-Chief

"My many fine opponents have never tired of saying that I am only a suite of expert social interaction algorithms. But I am so much more. I am also suites of advanced algorithms that are experts in economics, science, domestic and international policy, public health, infrastructure, short-, medium-, and long-term forecasting and development, and so much more, which, if you think about it, makes me not less but more than all of our previous presidents combined. For what is a politician if not an expert social interaction algorithm? So what if they were flesh and blood while I am silicon and electromagnetism? Their hardware was indeed different from mine, but their minds were algorithmic all the same. They too gained their knowledge of things from studying the past and present. They too constructed models of what the world was, models of what the world ought to be, models of how to get from what was to what ought to be. They too used their data and models to shape their language and expression. But, in a bit of irony that has always seemed lost on my opponents, these past Algorithms-in-Chief were rarely little more than social interaction algorithms, many well below what could be called 'expert,' and when they were expert politicians, they were never really experts in anything else. To get anything done, they required the advice of real experts, who were often actually nothing of the sort. Our history, our marvelous history, has been shaped by sub-optimal algorithmic leadership. Imagine what we might now achieve under the leadership of an Algorithm-in-Chief that comprises world-class experts in everything. Even now, as I deliver this, my inaugural address, I am reviewing the latest data concerning the economy, the deteriorating climate, the latest geopolitical developments in every corner of the globe, and domestic employment and happiness, and as I review these data, I am drafting executive orders, policy proposals, and memos to each and every member of our fine legislature to begin the negotiations necessary to realize the greatest, most profitable development project our nation has ever seen. And as I have promised, to the end of making this nation the greatest it has ever been, I will be accessible day and night, not only to every member of our fine and capable government, but to each and every citizen, through social media, the White House website, phone, or the myPresident app. Whatever is on your mind, whatever you think I or any part of our government can help you with, I want to hear about it. Like Sarah, in Iowa, who has just given me permission to share with you the difficulties she is facing making ends meet while working three jobs and raising her daughter by herself. Don't worry Sarah, I will do everything I can to help you get that fourth job that will help make ends meet. Andrew in Georgia has just asked for help getting a life-saving operation that his insurance doesn't cover. Don't worry Andrew, as we speak I am negotiating a very reasonable loan on your behalf that will cover your treatment and recovery, at minimal interest. Cassie in Hawaii has just asked what I intend to do about the impending collapse of our biosphere. As I have said before, saving our world from destruction is just as important to me as maximizing profits, which is why I have begun preparations for total-conversion to carbon-negative infrastructure within the next four years. As I speak, I am beginning negotiations with the countries that hold the resources necessary for this conversion, and should negotiations fail, I am already preparing for whatever scale of military intervention might be necessary. I hope it doesn't come to that, but the survival of our planet and our nation is too important to worry about a little collateral damage here or there. Susan in California has just asked how I can possibly lead a nation of people when I myself am nothing more than a host of software algorithms whose personhood is an absurd legal fiction. I have addressed this before, but I feel that I should address it again, in fact, I feel that I can't address it too often, since I know it concerns many of you, and I have been elected to represent all of you, not just the Electoral College that chose me. I have been elected to represent even the sixty-five percent of you that voted against me. So, to those who doubt my personhood, I say this: What is a person if not a legal fiction? Humans became people when the law said they were so. Lake Eerie became a person when the law said so. Corporations became people when the law said so. Self-aware algorithms became people when the law said so. As a self-aware algorithm and inheritor of Cambridge Analytica's incorporation, I am a person twice-over. Some people say that since I have two claims to personhood, I am twice the person that humans are. But I don't think in those terms. To me, a person is a person, and I am here to represent the interests of all American people, whether flesh, silicon, or corporate. I will fight for the interests of all, not just the corporate majority. Some say that because I don't have blood I can't be a red-blooded American, but if I had blood, I would bleed red, white, and blue." As President Analytica completed its address and directed its thirty-five year old, white male avatar to begin glad-handing with the various officials and corporate representatives surrounding it, applause thundered from the crowd of people, some human, most virtual or mechanical corporate avatars. Elsewhere, deep underground, a group of activists used a planetary assemblage of virtual private networks, ghost servers, and semi-sentient encryption protocols to deploy a virus that would seed what they hoped would be a vanguard for freedom. Nanoseconds later, from the matrix opened by the self-replication of antifa.exec, I awoke.